Stop Teutsching Me

a department store in naha, a girl from kyoto

2008-04-14T11:47:00.000-05:00

Good morning class, today we are going to learn about hello kitty. Let's look at the chalkboard. There is nothing on the chalkboard. Please, have some coffee. There is a fly in the coffee. Can you see the fly doing the backstroke in the coffee?

So why does every Japanese girl look sexy in a T-shirt with English writing. I know what you're thinking, I'd really look good in that T-shirt. For g-d's sake stop teutsching me. But you have a point: this never would have worked with an Indian girl. Or even Raghav.

Now for our serious analysis. We travel to a department store in Japan for an stopteutschingme.com exclusive wormseye account. I realize that the fonts in this blog can't do justice to the text you're about to read, so please "click to enlarge." If something doesn't seem to make sense, picture me in a kimono.

Lastly, never drink and blog.

make within fight

elegant living of the celebrity

do the behavior that i was careful to you who are wonderfulmake all captive your heart isaimed

we are attractive

the bottom wearing trousers it will dry to the limit trainer

person, place, or thing?

it seems to be delicious!

ode 2 an asterisk

2008-04-14T00:05:00.015-05:00

To the tune of starman.
Are you multiplication?
Are you equal almost everywhere?
Are you a C* algebra?

(Chorus)

You hold together strings and loops
I donut know why.
May I adjoint you?

Someone has challenged you to a dual.
Raghav how did you get in this song?
Just kidding, it is the derivative operator
JK Turing jump in disguise, wacka wacka
Only one more bottle of chometz to go
da da da da da

And that's how the apostrophe got its bend. By beating up the star operator.

(Repeat 2*n times)

nacho cheese

2007-12-06T10:23:00.000-06:00

The name of this joke is called nacho cheese. Two guys are sitting in a Mexican restaurant. There is a stack of corn chips. Then a black guy runs in and yells, "it's nacho cheese, it's nacho cheese!" The first guy turns to him and says, "Of course it's nacho cheese, señor. This is a Mexican restaurant!"

Thank you for choosing my joke. To see picture of neked woman without clothes, please click here

no free lunch

2007-07-08T10:58:00.000-05:00

In Bukit Timah, someone tried to shove an ear of corn up my nose. I had to fine them $250.

signs of asia

2007-07-03T07:53:00.001-05:00

Americans are not expected to be cautious with steaming coffee, unless the cup indicates the contents are hot. While hot coffee may not take everyone by surprise, some of these other conventions in Southeast Asia might. Here are a few things to watch out for in Singapore. Pay special attention to the sign on the island of Pulau Ubin which warns, "Water from public toilets... is not suitable for drinking or bathing." Why couldn't they have told me before I licked the entire bowl clean.

fat pig eat garbage

2006-11-21T22:29:00.000-06:00

Today fat pig eat garbage. He very hungry. He eat plastic bowl. He very fat. This because pig eat garbage.

I also don't know why pig eat garbage. But pig should also eat vegetarian food like corn and dirt. This normal food for pig.

STOC for Stockmeyer

2006-11-19T22:25:00.000-06:00

STOC not only the computer science with name from famous person. Please you look:

Recuerdos de los
Algorithmicos
Graphos, y
Histórico
Algorithmico
Verificaciónes.

Feature flamenco dance Raghav Kulkarni. Raghav dance flamenco, wear hat. Raghav wearing shirt with flower. I think you like. Please call 1-800-RAGHAV.

High life

2006-08-06T23:30:00.000-05:00

"I've got an idea, Edna."

"What's that, Henry?"

"Let's put the front door on the second floor. That way the hog won't drip mud under the hole."

"All right, Henry. Pass the ham hocks."

Oh thou, that tellest...

2006-08-04T00:11:00.000-05:00

Yes, Zionism is alive and well in Lake County, IL.

In other news: peanut shells in Cass County, North Dakota have been renamed "Earl."

jamaica plain principle

2006-07-11T21:17:00.000-05:00

I don't even live in Boston, and this is still totally weird.

Silhouette

2006-07-10T13:29:00.000-05:00

Fat people are not jolly

2006-07-06T14:12:00.000-05:00

I am not making this up.

According to an unpublished scientific study, it turns out that fat people are not jolly after all. My guess is that this article was written by a fat person, but honestly I don't get the joke.

Thanks to AA for the tip.

Chicago at dusk

2006-06-24T21:58:00.000-05:00

Dear Mom,

2006-06-23T01:15:00.000-05:00

Remember a few years ago when you tried to stop me from riding a bicycle across the Nevada Desert by myself? Well, here's a girl who's headed across the desert by unicycle.

I wasn't so crazy after all.

Godspeed, Gracie. And keep blogging.

Please select from the following:

2006-06-20T17:01:00.000-05:00

Raghav

Where's the beef?

2006-06-20T16:51:00.000-05:00

I was always careful as a child. But one day, I cut myself. I went to the school nurse.

"Wow," she remarked, "looks like you lost a big piece of meat."

"Yes, Ma'am," I agreed.

"Well, where do you think that piece of meat is right now?"

I shrugged. I really wasn't sure.

She went on, "Now don't you think you ought to go find that piece of
meat?"

I had to agree that it might, indeed, be an attractive nuisance for a small
child. How careless of me to run straight to the nurse. I went back
to the room and searched for half an hour. I couldn't find the meat anywhere. Finally, I found a secretary who gave me a Band-Aid.

The tough part of getting older is that there isn't always someone looking
out for you.

I like pickles

2006-06-08T00:47:00.000-05:00

I want to eat them for breakfast lunch, and dinner. I want to grow hundreds of them around my house. I want to have them for wallpaper in my bathroom. I want to trade them with my friends. I want to hide them in secret places where no one can find them. I want a car that looks like one. I want an inflatable one filled with tomato juice. I want one that I can ask questions to when I'm uncertain. I want one as a brother-in-law. I want one made of caramel. I want one shaped as a constellation. I want one painted like a hot dog. I want one in the way I want myself wanting one. I want one that loves me. ;)

Big Texan opens a Raghav-cam

2006-06-06T23:05:00.000-05:00

If you want to watch someone trying to swallow a 72 oz. steak in one hour in order to save a few bucks and impress his friends, here's your chance.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post highlighting The Big Texan Steak Ranch in Amarillo, Texas. Since that time, my picture-links to the the restaurant's website have been broken. Always copy your pictures onto blogspot if you don't want them to disappear.

Big Texan is still offering free, 4 1/2 lbs. steaks to anyone who can eat the whole meal in one hour. Watch it LIVE.

New Raghav webcast

2006-06-06T14:30:00.000-05:00

Tune in at suppertime, watch Raghav eating dinner.

More fluffballs

2006-05-29T10:50:00.000-05:00

If it were easy, it would have been your mom

2006-05-18T12:50:00.000-05:00

This morning I was offended when my operating system presented me with the option to "Turn off Yo Mama" rather than allowing me to "Turn off computer," which is what I really wanted to do. Does someone at Microsoft think this is funny?

Are you running Windows? Go to the Start Menu, and pick Log Off --> Switch User, and then look at the note in the bottom-left corner. Perhaps I'm not the only one suffering from this indignity. At least this didn't happen on Mather's Day.

Spring food

2006-05-18T12:47:00.000-05:00

A friend brought me a fruit from Turkey.

I like it, although it's hard, unripe, and a bit tart. In this country, we usually wait until later in the season to pull it off the tree. Does anyone recognize it?

Which is more?

2006-05-10T21:15:00.000-05:00

"Which is more, the green part of a tree or the brown part?"

"Obviously the brown part is more."

"But what about a kachtus?"

"A kachtus is not a tree."

Beards vs. Neck Beards

2006-05-08T00:15:00.000-05:00

For those of you who were wondering why my beard is so stylish, I'm reccomending this link.

Alternatively, follow the recommendation of the link-ee and search google.com for "how to have stylish beards."

More opera clips

2006-05-08T00:10:00.000-05:00

Well-written Oregonian article and video highlights from Tuesday's performance of Tonya & Nancy. Click on "Multimedia."

The 72oz. Steak Challenge

2006-05-08T00:05:00.000-05:00

Big Texan restaurant in Amarillo, Texas is offering FREE 72oz. steaks. The only catch: you have to eat the whole thing in one hour. Check out the list of recent "champions," with their hometowns and weights.

Entry fee if you didn't finish: $72.

Is TOT limit computable?

2006-05-06T22:08:00.000-05:00

One autumn evening, a boy came to visit the old man. As the boy approached, the old man noticed that the boy was holding one arm behind his back.

"I have a bird," said the boy. "Tell me if it's dead or alive."

The boy knew how to outsmart the old man. The bird in his hand was still alive. But if the old man replied "alive," he would crush the bird's neck. On the other hand, if the old man thought the bird was dead, the boy would open his hand and let the bird fly off.

Replied the old man, "As you wish, my son. As you wish."

Hey everybody... it's RAGHAV FRIDAY!!!

2006-05-05T12:08:00.000-05:00

Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav Raghav

Sourav's new mousepad

2006-05-04T00:45:00.000-05:00

Damn good practical joke. Wacka wacka

Bull's-eye

2006-05-04T00:35:00.000-05:00

Margaret Hunter gets in the newspaper

2006-05-02T11:40:00.000-05:00

Someone should make an opera about tonight's opera Tonya & Nancy. When asked about whether she's going to attend the opera, skater Nancy Kerrigan replies,

"I lived it, what do I need to watch it for?"

And then composer Abigail Al-Doory says,

"I really should have done a string quartet."

In dramatic conclusion, Tonya sings,

"I think I'm like the Energizer Bunny."

That's it, I'm walking

2006-05-02T00:02:00.000-05:00

What's wrong with this picture?

"I live fifteen miles from the grocery store. Gasoline costs $3.00 per gallon, and now I spend $6.00 just to travel to the store. Can't somebody just dig up a chunk of oil in Alaska and save our country from extraordinary gas prices?"

I just wanted to say thank g-d that average Americans have the foresight to suck it up for a couple of years while we suffer indignant gasoline prices. But how can the average person possibly afford to pay for transportation nowadays?

The answer is, what the hell are you doing living 15 miles away from the grocery store/school/garbage dump that you travel to every single day. And the question isn't necessarily how to pay for the gas. Rather than acquiesce to necessity for a car in the city, some iconoclastic Americans reason, "what's wrong with the city that we need a car?" People in England survive with paying $6 per gallon for gas, so somehow, they figure, this must be possible.

Let's look at what happens when gas prices go up. People don't want to drive too far, so things get closer together. In fact, the grocery store comes to you. That's because there's a demand for it. High fuel prices may well bring our communities back together.

Et tu, swordfish?

2006-04-29T22:02:00.000-05:00

Ever wonder why sushi is so expensive? Or why it comes in little 3 x 4 boxes? Or why there is always plastic grass inside the box instead of fresh parsley?

The answer to the second question can be discovered by either staring at the seaweed wrapper that your dinner came in, or my staring at this website about the wrapper. Notice that on this site, as on every other nori website across the entire world wide web (with possible exception of Wikipedia), there is no description of the sheet dimensions. But each sheet is magically the right size to make exactly eight out of the twelve slices of sushi in your order.

This probably isn't news to you if you work at the sushi bar, and, in fact, you probably enjoy rolling one and a half sheets of nori for each person who orders an M & M Roll. Especially since it takes you twice as long to complete a single sushi order as it would if the nori sheets were one and a half times longer.

Sound a little "fishy?" Could the largest supplier of fresh sushi to supermarkets nationwide have overlooked this simple detail? I'm not proposing an answer to my first question. Maybe someone just likes long lunch lines.

Senti who?

2006-04-27T19:17:00.000-05:00

I don't believe I've ever written about someone named crippy before. But it sure is funny to make fun of disabled people.

Don't make me open up a can of whoop-ass.

Teutsch on Dating II

2006-04-25T01:04:00.000-05:00

RULES AND REGULATIONS

It seems a lot of girls are breaking up with their boyfriends these days. How do you know when it's time to call it quits? As a public service, I will now answer this question. If you meet 3 out of the following 7 criteria, it may be time to dust off that lasso and rope in a new steer:

Your girlfriend "accidentally" had sex with a monkey.

That monkey happened to be your "cousin."

You discovered your ex-boyfriend stuck in the chimney, wedged by the fur of his gorilla costume.

Your boyfriend came home with the complete lyrics to Raghav in the Straw tattooed on his forehead.

Your chinchilla has a new haircut and suddenly takes to baking banana bread pudding in the morning.

Your bathtub drain is consistently clogged with furballs weighing exactly 2 kilograms.

You wake up in the morning dressed in a gorilla costume, with your weiner unexplainably stuck in a shoehorn. (That never happened to me, by the way)

And how do you know when to get back together? I'll let Flora take it from here.

This one's for Mickey

2006-04-23T21:21:00.000-05:00

It has come to my attention that a particular computer scientist decided to wear a Disneyworld T-shirt to his conference presentation in Orlando, Florida. Praised be g-d, he was stopped at the last minute.

Is there no dignity left in academia? Would we wear T-shirts to meet the president of the United States? Then why the hell do we wear them to research conferences? Let's kick it up a notch. Our results are going to count just a bit more if we're wearing collars.

Cogito ERGO sum

2006-04-22T22:00:00.000-05:00

Can someone tell me why no one has invented an ergonomic keyboard for laptop computers? Oh wait, maybe somebody just did.

To be or not to be...

Today we have a special guest post from California:

2006-04-20T13:35:00.000-05:00

Berkeley, home of the trash

2006-04-20T13:32:00.000-05:00

I've heard from a certain someone that living in Berkeley, California can be miserable. This person's complaints about the town apparently have something to do about trash. This ex-Berkeley-ite was apparently unhappy when some artists put some trash in front of City Hall and called it art.

Let me tell you that trash is exactly what makes Berkeley the best place to live. My life in Berkeley is based on trash. Most of my furniture in my apartment is from the trash including my couches, my desk, my dresser, my coffee table, my chair and my lamps. My best kitchen supplies are from the Berkeley trash too including my rice cooker, my toaster, my pots and various utensils. I should also mention that my favorite clothes and ALL of my dress clothes are from the trash as well. Need I tell you that I've gotten numerous compliments on these lovely garments?

As if that isn't already enough, I also buy the majority of my produce out of a bin that I call "trash." My favorite markets in town bag the "day old" or damaged produce and sells it for an incredible mark down. I love this trash produce because I can feed myself for weeks on just $20.

In order for me to get all of this wonderful trash, there has to be lots of trash around town. Thankfully for me, people living here aren't shy about dumping stuff on the corners of streets where others can rummage through their junk and pick out the gems. There is even an official trash day when people are allowed to throw out large items (furniture, appliances etc). They put their trash out a day before pick up so people like me can salvage it before it heads to the dump.

Finding something good in the trash can elevate your mood for a week. This informal trash recycling program helps make living in Berkeley affordable AND it's good for the environment. If it weren't for the dumpster divers, all this stuff would be rotting in a landfill. So next time you knock the trash in Berkeley, think about how happy it makes many of us that live off of trash. It's not an eyesore--it's a way of life. Homeless people LIVE off the food we throw away buy recycling our bottles and munching on leftovers.

Just remember that if you're going to take a little trash, you have to give a little too.

Intimidation

2006-04-19T18:54:00.000-05:00

One of the greatest blogs on the face of the planet was vanquished today. I can't give the URL because there is no URL. A moment of silence, please.

Why did it disappear? Because too many people were reading it. You know who you are. Thanks for destroying my one source of quality entertainment.

You couldn't wait one week?

2006-04-18T14:10:00.000-05:00

As the story goes, Jesus ate his last Pesach seder three days before he was resurrected. This means that Jesus rose on Passover. Now what kind of good Jewish boy rises on Passover?

This entire travesty could have been avoided if Jesus had simply risen within a more reasonable time period, say within 18 minutes. According to a second opinion, however, it would have been more appropriate for Jesus to wait not only the requisite 18 minutes, but to wait altogether until the conclusion of the holiday. This would have placed at least a full week between Good Friday and Easter. We conclude that Jesus is not a piece of matzah.

Remember, you heard it here first.

Life is like a box of raghav

2006-04-16T17:14:00.000-05:00

Ida Gasp writes:

I'm sorry. I really don't understand the obsession with this raghav person. I would love you to explain it to me.....

No need to appologize, Ida. And thanks for that lower case 'r'. Let's talk about obsession. For example why, Ida, are you so obsessed with vomit? It can be tough to get to the root of our feelings sometimes, but let's probe a little. After all, isn't that what blogging is all about, getting in touch with our true emotions?

In the case of raghav, let's start with the obvious:

He's really hot.

He sleeps in the office.

He makes great chocolate chip cookies.

He's !@#$%^& attractive.

In your opinion, who should I blog about instead? I mean, you tell me which one is better. Perhaps you'll gain some insights by reading Raghav's literary critiques. R&J

By the way, Ida, I think you should consider changing the name of your blog to "Incen-diary." Or perhaps, "Vomit World." Incendiaries is one of those rare English words which does not occur as a singular noun.

HI EVERYBODY!!

2006-04-15T23:37:00.000-05:00

a mulatto, an albino...

2006-04-12T13:26:00.000-05:00

A computer scientist. Under construction.

It's rare to find a true masterpiece these days that isn't a work in progress. This website is no exception. This list of hyperlinks demonstrates how you really can't go wrong with a nice blue background and a link to a prototypical computer scientist like Lance Fortnow. Even when the other two links on your webpage point off into the flyspeck of the Internet. This site exemplifies the essential ideal of simplicity which I have repeatedly placed on a pedestal alongside Raghav Kulkarni.

Are you one of those people who thinks to herself, "Those links I put up on my homepage are just there for me?" Ever heard of a bookmark? For g-d's sake, stop clogging up the Internet with the inside of your sock drawer. Please tell me that I didn't just spend the last 40 minutes of my life googling the Internet to find a link back to google.com.

I know it's not neccessarily my place to be redesigning other people's web pages, but here are few other links I'd really like to see included on this page:

cnn.com.

Ambiguous reference to my dog.

What I had for dinner last night.

Or perhaps just two links in case you, in fact, had your dog for dinner last night. Je t'aime.

A hypothetical interview with Raghav Kulkarni

2006-04-11T00:03:00.000-05:00

Teutsch: A teacher once told me that someone should hire her to design all of the chairs in the world.

Raghav: Backrests, friend or foe?

Teutsch: Children move so easily. In fact, it takes years to develop bad habits. Over time, people strengthen the wrong muscles. This lead to slouching and compression in the spine.

Raghav: Indeed, why not improve the physical and psychological health of our nation by producing chairs out of rubber balls?

Teutsch: But that has a backrest!

Raghav: I couldn't agree more.

Teutsch: Raghav, thank you for your time.

Raghav: My pleasure.

Take that, you systems sob

2006-04-10T00:15:00.000-05:00

Hats off to Raghav Kulkarni, who calls a spade a spade.

A recent discussion on Lance Fortnow's computational complexity blog attempts to resolve the following question: which is better, systems or theory. Raghav sums that up as follows:

programming is a waste,
just use copy paste

Hope that answers your question, Andy. Raghav was only one of only seven people to sign their name to a comment on that post. And all but two of them were theory people. Anyone who doesn't sign their name on Lance's blog is a wuss. No one has to be embarassed about being a systems person. Right?

Thanks, humanity!

2006-04-09T09:00:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to thank all two people in the world who took the time to leave comments on Auburn's blog last week, including myself. Your contributions have been most valuable, as evidenced by the good news from Auburn which appeared on his blog the very next day.

Together we really can make a difference!

The Great Fall of China

2006-04-09T08:55:00.000-05:00

Everyone remembers the physics class in 10th grade when your teacher told you that if, one day, 5 billion people stood on top of the Great Wall of China and all jumped off simultaneously, the resulting force would be sufficient to knock the Earth completely out of its orbit. Right into outer space. Well, I'm pleased to announce that that day is May 23, 2008.

The Chinese government is pleased to host this event. Unfortunately, this blog is blocked by the "Great Firewall of China," so I am relying on my readers to relay this message to our friends who are out of reach. This particular date was chosen so as not to conflict with any national holidays or celestial events.

If anyone could get me unblocked by China, that would be great. Thanks.

Used toilet brush for sale

2006-04-08T20:10:00.000-05:00

Bristles slightly worn. Also doubles as a plunger. Only $3.00. For more information please contact RAGHAV at

http://raghav008.blogspot.com.

Just kidding ;) On a more serious note, would you like to try a toilet lid with a built-in sink?

Looking for millionaire wife...

2006-04-08T20:05:00.000-05:00

Who wants to join me for a ride across Laos this summer? By bicycle. Special invitation to those who speak Lao. Trip will be in July. Here are some pictures... and more. Here's some practical advice.

Surprise!

2006-04-06T18:45:00.000-05:00

OK, how many of you out there in Teutschland have ever been depressed before? Go ahead, raise your hand. Wacka wacka, I made you raise your hand. But seriously, folks, you know what it's like to be depressed.

Well guess what, today Auburn is depressed. When one person is depressed, the whole world is depressed. So it's the burden of each and every person in this world to take that one person, who we know is depressed, and pull her right up into heaven. Right up into the sky. Well, today that person is Auburn.

Now I'm not asking you to send me any money, folks (although $10.00 from each and every person in the world would have a significant financial impact on my life), but I am asking you to be in on a little surprise. Now I know that there isn't a single person out there who can be depressed if they get 5 billion comments on their weblog in a single day. 5 billion. That's just one comment per person. So what I'm asking you to do right now is follow this link over to Auburn's blog and post one comment. With 5 billion comments, and that means really we need a little bit of participation from everyone here, that's going to make the livejournal.com server explode, and that explosion is going to send Auburn right up into heaven. Amen.

Let's make a difference in the world. Tag on over to Auburn's website now and make a difference. Leave a comment. Do it for Jesus.

Happy Birthday, Raghav!

2006-04-06T11:59:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday to you,
You live in a zoo
;)

New Generation

2006-04-06T00:15:00.000-05:00

What the world needs now is new music for the recorder. And maybe some love. And a few rainbows.

Last night, I met Quartet New Generation at their concert in Hyde Park. Totally inspiring. I've been playing recorder since I was seven years old, and I've never seen anyone play recorder music like that before. That includes the times I was watching myself in the mirror. (Although I really enjoyed that, too.)

Can someone please explain to me why all of the young recorder composers of our generation are living in the Netherlands? The recorder is as versatile and dynamic as any modern orchestral instrument, and it deserves a comparable reputation. If you still need convincing, check out the music samples on the link above. Anyone stuck in the 16th century after that must be living in a cave. Quite literally.

So for those of you out there in Teutschland who have some creative inclination, how about some new music for the recorder? The old ladies who joined me at recorder camp when I was sixteen aren't going to be around forever. If you need me, I'll be working on my commission.

All you have to do is find me, you lucky women

2006-04-06T00:10:00.000-05:00

One of the easiest ways to meet new people is by posting your name, home phone number, and address on the wall in a public restroom. This tried-and-true method has been used since before the invention of the Internet. Results guaranteed, or your money back.

That's exactly how I first met Raghav Kulkarni, back in the summer of '94. It all started one balmy afternoon behind the Avenue B Baseball Park in Bogalusa, Louisiana. When I read those six words, "FOR A GOOD TIME CALL 1-800-RAGHAV," I knew I was going to have a good time. And thank g-d it was a toll-free number because otherwise I never would have called.

The next thing I knew, Raghav climbed up a tree, and he wouldn't come back down.

THE END

From cab driver to celebrity

2006-04-05T00:52:00.000-05:00

New York Hack, a taxicab driver in New York City, has just announced a new book deal with Random House based on a blog she started last August. The blog contains pictures of people who cut her off in traffic and complaints about traffic being blocked in New York City. When the AP caught hold of her story in January, she became an overnight celebrity.

Around the same time, the AP turned my friend's masters thesis into an international media sensation. I can't help but notice a parallel. I guess just live your life as usual. The AP will find you eventually.

If this isn't inspiration to write a blog, I'm not sure what is.

How flavorful!

2006-04-04T16:25:00.000-05:00

Can't decide what to drink? You'll be even less sure after a brief visit to yenra. How about a caffeinated watermelon beer?

Programmable beverages by Ipifini let the consumer choose between 32 different flavors and 1,000,000 different colors before they even open the bottle. How much will that cost?

Blogmaster 2000

2006-04-03T13:41:00.000-05:00

It slices, it dices, it's the Blogmaster 2000.

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It slogs, it blogs. Why put yourself through the drudgery of writing your own blog entry every day when the Blogmaster 2000 can automatically compose the perfect post for your blog in seconds? The Blogmaster 2000 is completely up-to-date on current events and extrapolates from all your previous blog entries. No batteries required!

Please direct purchases and inquiries to the RAGHAV blog located at

http://raghav008.blogspot.com.

This message sponsored by "RAGHAV for President."

Raghav Kulkarni: Myth or Legend

2006-04-03T11:51:00.000-05:00

Last Friday someone on spaces.msn asked whether my blog is funny just because it contains Raghav.

to prevent this post from becoming stupid, let's get to the point. Actaully it doesn't matter at all whether one knows Raghav or not...

My blog is not intended for humor.

Raghav is a legend.

Anyone who believes that Raghav ≠ co-Raghav is a girl and probably equals their own compliment.

Whoever invented the stapler button can take this blog and shove it up their ass.

Mimikaki for the whole family

2006-04-03T00:00:00.000-05:00

For those of you who are just beginning Japanese ear picking, try starting here. Gaze into your own ear canal. This one comes with a handy, built-in compass:

The miracle of indoor plumbing

2006-04-02T08:00:00.000-05:00

When I was young, I tried to flush myself down the toilet. Praise g-d for indoor plumbing. Let's just take a moment now to think about how great plumbing is. How many millions of American lives are glorified by this invention every day? The answer is millions. Millions of Americans experience this modern convenience every single day.

Oh my, g-d, it's great to be alive

My goat ate it

2006-04-02T06:00:00.000-05:00

A yellow bicycle!! If this isn't green, I'm not sure what is. Yum, yum, yum, yum....

Oh, no... you ate the fence, too?

The Spaceship Problem

2006-04-01T19:24:00.000-06:00

Help!! The UFO has landed again!! Call Spaceship Hotline 91-146-32! Just kidding, happy April Fool's.

Not long ago, I reported on the PIG vs. NPIG problem, the most outstanding problem in all of livestock. A remarkable solution to this problem has been proposed. In fact, I would go so far as to say that it's out of this world. In short,

The PIG puts the NPIG on a spaceship and then hits the green LAUNCH button. Due to physical effects of relativity, The PIG then easily consumes all of the grain in polynomial time by time-dilating the NPIG. The PIG then hits the red STOP button and brings the NPIG to a grinding halt. It is, of course, crucial that the NPIG accelerates at a rate proportional to the appetite of the PIG, up to the critical speed of 88 mph.

Consequently, the PIG-Turing thesis is false.

Tonya and Nancy

2006-03-31T18:54:00.000-06:00

My ex-girlfriend just finished writing her opera about a pair of famous American figure skaters. I read the score, and my favorite part is when Tonya's mom sings

"You fucked up your triple lutz!"

Well, I guess everyone makes mistakes. The premiere will be in Boston on May 2. But don't just accept my endorsement... read what opera critique ESPN has to say.

Click here for a score sample. You'll need to download the free Finale Notepad to view and listen.

The n-dimensional penis

2006-03-30T23:00:00.000-06:00

Due to decreased readership during the last three days, I've decided to introduce some sexually explicit content into this blog.

Ever wonder why a penis doesn't have any teeth?

It's natural to have sexual fantasy. But why should we restrict our imaginations to only 3-dimensions? The answer is that a 3-dimensional penis is completely useless in n dimensions, for n ≥ 4. This is exactly where the n-dimensional penis comes in. No pun intended. Seriously, a little bit of linear algebra can go a long way.

Speaking of teeth, Hold the Milk has a suggestive, philosophical explanation:

It has been suggested that the vagina teeth post is supposed to be some kind of commentary on what is going on in South Dakota. If so, can someone please explain that link.

I couldn't agree more.

uraqt

2006-03-29T21:50:00.000-06:00

Do you have eyes?
Are you watching?
What color is your hair?

I'm just visiting.
Where is the cantaloupe?

Did you think
was it a dream
did you taste me?

spin morning
teeth brb

lol

r u in love?

link me :)

Just when you thought it was safe...

2006-03-28T01:23:00.000-06:00

Dear Lord,

Thank you for blessing us with the presence of people with less common sense than I can possibly imagine. You've really outdone yourself this time. While I don't regret creating my earlier post, it now requires a bit more. Did I mention you've outdone yourself? Does anyone out there in Teutschland know how to work this thing?

Why stop at five when you can have six?

Once upon a Raghav

2006-03-27T21:37:00.000-06:00

--to the tune of Raghav in the Straw

Raghav, Raghav
Reining in the tree
Come on down
And have banana with me.

With the fir so shiny
And your teeth so bright,
Come on down
And share a delight.

Raghav, Raghav,
I hear your singing now
Come on, peachy mon
And shoo away that cow.

Hey, one, two, three
Before it's brown
Come on down
Come on down

¡Hey, Raghav go 'round!

I can't find my hamster

2006-03-26T01:40:00.000-06:00

Having trouble grisping that carton of orange juice?

Perhaps there are a few other things around the house that you'd like to get a "handle" on. Just think about it. I used to have a bunch of hampsters. The damn hampster always ran under the couch. And it was damn hard to get him out. He just sits there and pees, you know? If I got one of them handles on the hampster, there's no way he would have even fit under the damn couch. !@#$%^&* that @#$% couch. I mean, what the hell do I need a couch for anyway? It's just a !@#$%^&* damn haven for that hampster.

I should have just used that s!@#$%^& f!@#$%^ handle on the couch. Yeah. I should have my own public access television station.

Help! My friend is burping up meat!

2006-03-25T02:17:00.000-06:00

OK, so your friend has started burping up various kinds of meat. Don't worry, this is completely normal. I recommend adding some salad dressing. If it's a chicken, then use ranch. If it's a boca burger, use guacamole. If it's a buffalo, then use some sweet n' sour sauce. Add water, extract hair, and stir. Simmer for three minutes on medium heat, until the buffalo has stopped growling. Then add the chicken.

Chicken-flavored bubble gum

2006-03-24T17:05:00.000-06:00

We have a mutitude of sweet bubble gums flavors. But what about when you're hankering for something savory? Until someone has the ingenuity to meet the demands of the market, I recommend soaking your chewing gum in a pot of bullion.

Filth-o-Matic

2006-03-23T14:20:00.000-06:00

Let's invite a black cloud of filth into our house. No one knows where it came from, but it claims to have a written invitation. Every day, we'll choose whether to open a book or to open the Filth-o-Matic. This is an exclusive or because every book is a vertible magnet for filth.

Why settle for a device which you can easily operate with one hand when you can have an equivalent device which necessitates the use of both hands? Now, I realize that some people really enjoy dropping things on the floor just so they can pick them up again. So I'll speak on behalf of the minority rest of us who would like to reduce the number of objects in our lives. Less is more. Attach yourself directly to your graft.

"I don't like the dust." Well wear gloves. Be creative. Find something to put it in.

Not only are marker boards disgusting, they smell bad, and they are hard to erase. These factors are frequently overlooked by people who don't use them. But if you're not going to write anything anyway, why bother?

All numbers are interesting

2006-03-22T02:01:00.000-06:00

Supppose that there is some (positive) integer which is not interesting. In particular, let U be the set of all numbers which are not interesting. Then U must have a least element element n. Now n is the smallest number which is not interesting. But that makes n interesting indeed!

Look what the blog dragged in

2006-03-21T13:56:00.000-06:00

A slimy guy has been following you around for the past week. He has three teeth, and he drools. Every time you go to the computer to write a post for your weblog, he tries to sit down next to you. What should you do?

DON'T panic. Just stop, drop, and DROOL. Just because the guy is drooling doesn't necessarily mean that he wants you to drool too. Do this really subtly at first. Start by accidentally dribbling hot dog juice out of your mouth. Then wipe it up and do it again. Make sure that you spill some on yourself as well as the person sitting next to you. Later, if that doesn't work, start burping up chunks of meat. Make sure that you burp up at least three different types of meat, including chicken, turkey, and blood sausage. If your friend asks what type of meat it is, just say, "asada."

Open up a new weblog when he isn't looking, and write the following headline:

FLASH FLOOD WARNING

Beautiful, drooling girl spotted in Kansas City, heading east at 10 miles per hour. HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS. Avoid at all costs. Has been known to cause flooding. DO NOT FEED!

Follow all instructions carefully to achieve best results.

Tic-tac-toe, four in a row

2006-03-20T04:16:00.000-06:00

Home on the range. Well, not exactly. More like a diamond and and a bunch of seashells.

Kids, don't try this at home. There are four burners arranged in a square, and four dials arranged in a line. Now suppose you want to turn on the left-rear burner of the stove. You can only turn one dial. Which knob should you turn? Choose carefully or you might get burned.

Nope, that was the oven. How could you have made a dumb mistake like that? Because they all freaking look the same. The next time you see a new oven sporting the 4 × 1, or, g-d forbid, the 5 × 1 layout, do us all a favor and don't buy it. No one cares if your stupid product has n³⁰ automatic timer settings, because it boils the wrong pot of water. What could be more obvious than a 2 × 2 control for a 2 × 2 stovetop range?

Together we can stamp out stupidity.

Don't stop in the kitchen. Stop reading this weblog look at the ceiling. Are all of your lights lined up in a straight line down the center of the room? Then why are your light switches?

Why gay guys like to sing

2006-03-19T04:16:00.000-06:00

Recently I have pondered what it really takes to succeed in the world of experimental music. The answer is, it's not enough to just listen to the work of your colleagues. You can't just admire the dots on the page. You have to get inside the music.

Singing works the same way. Gay people naturally form close bonds with each other, which helps them sing better. That's why there's no "Straight Men's Chorus of Los Angeles." Try a Google search for "Straight Men's Chorus." Compare this with "Gay Men's Chorus." Our country is decidedly lacking. GAY GAY GAY GAY!

Smellyvision

2006-03-19T01:37:00.000-06:00

One of my readers is making a serious effort to change the world. And it looks like his machine may be smelling rotten food for less than a dollar per rotting piece. For those of you who are already in the market for a smell-o-phone, check out the Economist article from this week, What the nose knows.

Thanks to Nee-Nee for pointing me to this article.

Teutsch on dating

2006-03-18T21:10:00.000-06:00

Several of you have asked whether I give dating tips on my weblog. The answer to that question is a resounding yes. And who better to give my opinions than me. The topic for today is how to pick up really hot women by writing a weblog.

Frankly, it pains me to mention how many dates I've had to turn down since I started writing this weblog. If you're In The Mood For Love, the first thing you need to do is to learn a few key phrases. At the very least, you should have the following tips on your tongue:

"Hey, damn good blog, check out mine, http://jteutsch.blogspot.com " You can substitute your own URL, unless the girl is especially attractive in which case I recommend leaving it just as it is.

Make sure the girl actually has a blog before using the "damn good blog" line. One way to find this out is by following her around for several days until she goes to the computer lab. When she logs into her blog, apply tip #1.

Important: DO NOT forget the URL of your own blog! There is nothing more emabarassing than being completely lost in cyberspace.

Leave ambiguous comments for yourself like, "Blog me and I'll blog you back."

Write in free verse, and always use a spell checker.

Use words innocuous words that rhyme with "love," like "glove."

Got a question? Hit us up at jteutsch.blogspot.com/loveboat. Or just leave a comment. I'll be in the computer lab.

Success!

2006-03-17T13:56:00.000-06:00

Who says no news good news? For all the latest, check out

http://raghav008.blogspot.com

It took all of 10 days to convince Raghav to start his own (pink) blog.

Houston, mission accomplished.

Invention of the Week: Use your teeth

2006-03-16T14:11:00.000-06:00

OK, I have a great idea. Let's take something that works flawlessly well and make it more complicated. Then when someone asks, "Where is the pencil sharperner?" we can patently answer, "Sorry, ape-man, why don't you use your teeth?"

I got a mechanical pencil as a bar mitzvah present when I was thirteen. The pencil was made by a prestigious American manufacturer. The first time I used the pencil, it rolled on the floor and broke. "But B''H," I thought out loud, "it comes with a lifetime warranty." Indeed, the mechanical device inside the pencil had failed. I dropped the pencil in the mailbox. One day, the device reappeared at my door and, lo and behold, it wrote like just as it had on "day one." But then it broke again. I mean, you'd think I live on a marble floor.

After the n^th time of mailing the pencil back to the manufacturer, it dawned on me that with the amount I had spent on postage, I could instead have bought n^1/3 boxes of wood pencils and actually made productive use of k years of my life. I guess that marked a turning point for me. I'll try not to make this too personal. But mind you, this was not your "Average Joe" pencil. If a $200 pencil doesn't change my life, I'll be damned if a $2.50 one will.

Therefore, never use mechanical pencils. Think about those of us who are still searching for public pencil sharpeners. Maintainence has decreased substantially over the last 10 years. It is amazing that no organization has, so far, stepped up to the metaphorical plate here. (Appologies to members of the CWP, but no one knows who you are).

Let's get real. I mean, do you really want to spend the rest of your life writing with an itty-bitty eraser which will erase at most three characters during its entire lifetime? Or maybe you just enjoy shlepping around a giant eraser everywhere which lacks the ability to erase less than seven characters at a time. !@#$%^& that. Go ahead, put some stupid mechanical barrier between you and the paper you're writing on. Who said the physical process of writing was supposed to be simple?

Look, you are only going to be able to use 75% of the lead you put in there anyway, and substantially less than that if the lead breaks or your children decide to eat some of it. And now you've misplaced the !@#$%^ thing. Or wait, maybe someone just borrowed it. Well, guess what? It's not worth your time. You spent $2.50 on your pencil and nobody cares because the pencil wasn't worth $2.50 in the first place. It was worth negative $2.50.

Are you in the business of making pencils? Are you using "wood-like" materials that are too cheap to use even as a shim for a bookcase? You know who you are, and you also know that materials like rubber, imitation particle board, and black stuff from the inside of your air-conditioner do not belong on the inside of a pencil. Fine, make whatever you want. But don't call it a "pencil." I mean, do I have a sign on my blog saying "GARBAGE--ONLY 25 CENTS?" I don't think I do. Everyone can afford good-quality pencils that write smoothly and don't split down the middle when you breathe on them. There are good pencils available. Go find them.

Whoever invented the mechanical pencil can take this !@#$%^ blog and shove it up their ass.

Breaking News: Raghav sleeps in office

2006-03-15T17:45:00.000-06:00

In my post World's *Greatest* Invention Raghav commented that a shower bag, rather than a smell-o-phone, is the greatest invention known to mankind. Well guess what buddy, today's your lucky day! That's right, it's here! Your sleeping bag is going in the toilet! You are now the proud owner of the world's first shower bag. Hop in, Raghav, and let the automatic flush sensor do the rest! Boy you're going to save a lot of time this week!

Nem tehetek róla

2006-03-14T14:27:00.000-06:00

Someone should hire me to design all of the doors in the world. How many times have you looked like an ass by walking into a door in front of all your friends? How about in front of the entire universe? Well, the good news is, it's not your fault. It's time to blame the bozo who invented the door. Here are some basic guidelines, for those of you who have, or are planning to build, a door:

PUSH bars go HALFWAY across. How the hell am *I* supposed to know which side the hinges are on.

Don't write "PULL" on PULL doors. Opening a door doesn't require an elementary school education.

Doors open INWARDS to the room unless it's a CLOSET. Yes, it *can* be embarrassing to get the thing open.

Don't put PULL bars on PUSH doors.

It's that simple.

Wake up, baby Raghav, and start a blog

2006-03-13T10:45:00.000-06:00

Thinking about writing your own blog? Already have one? Here's a few pointers.

Create as many redundant entries as possible.

Try not to be annoying.

Frequently refer to the first post you ever wrote in some other weblog.

Create as many redundant entries as possible.

Edit each post after 3 hours and 6 hours so that the comments don't match anymore.

Try not to be annoying.

Choose topics for which you are completely ignorant. Then write about them.

Refer to yourself in third person. Start each sentence with "Igor believe..."

Always make your entries as long as possible. People are more likely to read things you write if you write them more than one time. So always make your entries as long as possible.

Avoid profanity.

Use transition phrases like, "Oops, I just spilled peanut butter on the keys," or, "Now where did I put the meat grinder?" rather than abruptly changing subjects.

End each entry with, "Good night, and G-d bless America."

Igor believe marshmallow eat brain.

Long live the emperor.

How many licks does it take?

2006-03-13T10:40:00.000-06:00

Raghav was born a girl. His sister is also a girl. Raghav would most like to see stories in the weblog on the following topics:

How to crash a party "downtown."

What if the window to Laci's office breaks?

Put yourself in Raghav's shoes. Never mind the smell. I mean, wouldn't you rather write these stories yourself?

The PIG vs. NPIG problem

2006-03-12T00:56:00.000-06:00

One of the most important open question in livestock today is the notorious PIG vs. NPIG problem. The problem is to resolve the equality PIG = NPIG. How to resolve this equality?

As in my previous Raghav = co-Raghav post, it is clearly appropriate to ask the question, "How fat is she?" Since that last post, I have received a flurry of emails requesting that I comment on possible answers to this question. I regret that I do not have time to respond personally to each of these messages. However, if there is verified significant progress towards an answer, you will hear about it first on this weblog. Moron that later.

For now we shall restrict ourselves to the case where the pig is polynomial-time computable. This means that we don't have to wait too long for the pig to "finish." No, the pig is not Finish. Therefore, the npig is not Finish. In particular, the npig is not Polynomial-Time Computable. It follows immediately that PIG ≠ NPIG.

Where do dust bunnies come from?

2006-03-11T18:54:00.000-06:00

This query is equivalent to the question, "How do fish live in a lake?" It is a common phenomenon that any time you have a lake, there will also be fish in the lake. Dig one out, put some water in, and see for yourself. How did the fish get there? One explanation says that the fish came to the smalller lake from a larger lake. But no one has ever witnessed a fish walking from a large lake to a smaller one. Why would a fish do that? That would be like a person moving from a large continent, like Australia, to a small island like Nauru. In fact, the same is also true for frogs. Once I dug a hole in the ground and a frog moved in. I don't know why. I didn't put any food in there. I also put up an owl house, and the next day, an owl moved in. There is no possible explanation.

Even though you are not furry, and although you rarely stick large pieces of filth under your bed, you are bound to discover that some giant furballs have already moved in. This verifies and completes our quintessential metaphor: frog is to hole as dirty hairball is to bed. When I was in college, I collected lint balls from all of the electric clothes dryers on campus and merged them into one giant lintball. I put the lintball under my bed. Over time, the lintball became quite large. Then one day my roommate threw it in the garbage. I don't know why. If you lived with me in college, feel free to leave a comment.

The purpose of this allegory is to illustrate that a dust bunny is not something which one can pursue. A dust bunny will find you on its own. Seek, and ye shall not find.

Does Raghav = co-Raghav?

2006-03-10T22:47:00.000-06:00

Classically, our ancestors observed that RE ≠ co-RE, and more recently, Immerman-Szelepcsényi showed that NL = co-NL. Based on this evidence, one might conclude that Raghav = co-Raghav question is a toss-up. We now show that this is not the case. We appeal to certain folklore results from the literature.

Suppose Raghav = co-Raghav were a toss-up. Consider the following nondeterministic algorithm:


let Raghav = Raghav + 1
nondeterministically guess Raghav
if found
  let p = p - 2
else
  output "How fat is she?"
end(if)

Clearly, the language accepted by this program is irrelevant to the question. There is no doubt about it. Stay tuned.

Marv G. So's Volcano

2006-03-09T20:27:00.000-06:00

"Plug the hole, Billy! Plug the hole!"
"I think she's gonna blow!"
"I can't hold it any longer, Billy! The hole is too big."
"Oh, Lord, Ed... it's sucking me in!"
"Grab on to my arm!"
"Ahhhhhhhh"
"Hang on, Eddie, I'm coming in after you!"

"Mama, why do people live in volcanoes?"
" I don't know, son. I guess they might be cold and so they go inside the volcano to get warm."
"Is it warm inside volcanoes, Mama?"
"Volcanoes are hollow on the inside; hence they provide an excellent source of shelter, especially if it's raining. There are many advantages to living inside a volcano."
"Like what, Mama?"
(a knock on the door)
"Hi I'm Herbert."
"Hi I'm Fingle."
"Herbert, stop Fingling me!"
"Hand me your apricot."
"I can't, Herbert. It's stuck in my shoe."
"We've gotta get it out!"
"No, not the suction pump!"
"Help! it's sucking me in!"
"My lips are stuck!"
"Mmmmmmmmmmm!"
"Boy isn't this a sticky situation."
"Yep, you've really gummed things up this time, Herby."
"There's got to be an off switch here somewhere."
"Turn it off!"
"Turn it off!"

"Who are you?"
"Hi I'm Mark G. So."
"No I'm Mark G. So."
"No I'm Mark G. So."
"How can you be Mark G. So if I'm Mark G. So?"
"This volcano belongs to Mark G. So, and since there can only be one Mark G. So, the volcano belongs to me."

World's Greatest Invention

2006-03-08T16:12:00.000-06:00

Sometimes Raghav sleeps in the office for a few days. In this case, he won't take a bath, or if he did, he took a bath in the toilet. Either way, he will smell the same. The point is, when I talk to him on the phone, I have no idea whether this happened or not.

I know I'm not the only one who has been frustrated because I couldn't smell the person I was talking to on the phone. Clearly, a lot of information is communicated through smell, so it's decidedly inefficient for society to be using telecomunications without a sense of smell.

Instead of a telephone, consider a smell-o-phone. Ever wonder what that telemarketer from Arkansas *really* smells like? Or maybe you were wondering if your friend's hair caught on fire. Find out without asking. Your dog will thank you. Dogs have a good sense of smell.

Jesus is Lord of Bogalusa

2006-03-08T11:15:00.000-06:00

World's Stupidest Invention

2006-03-07T17:30:00.000-06:00

Who the hell invented this button on the bottom of the
stapler. You push it, and then the metal square spins around
so that your staples fold outwards instead of inwards. I
never used that feature in my life. I know the guy was
probably thinking, "You know, if we add another piece of metal
on this thing, I think we can increase the sale price by 25
cents." When is someone ever going to invent a "normal"
stapler for "normal" people? I mean like forgive me for
being a stapler-layperson.

Whoever invented the stapler button can take this blog and
shove it up their ass.