Invention of the Week: Use your teeth

OK, I have a great idea. Let's take something that works flawlessly well and make it more complicated. Then when someone asks, "Where is the pencil sharperner?" we can patently answer, "Sorry, ape-man, why don't you use your teeth?"

I got a mechanical pencil as a bar mitzvah present when I was thirteen. The pencil was made by a prestigious American manufacturer. The first time I used the pencil, it rolled on the floor and broke. "But B''H," I thought out loud, "it comes with a lifetime warranty." Indeed, the mechanical device inside the pencil had failed. I dropped the pencil in the mailbox. One day, the device reappeared at my door and, lo and behold, it wrote like just as it had on "day one." But then it broke again. I mean, you'd think I live on a marble floor.

After the n^th time of mailing the pencil back to the manufacturer, it dawned on me that with the amount I had spent on postage, I could instead have bought n^1/3 boxes of wood pencils and actually made productive use of k years of my life. I guess that marked a turning point for me. I'll try not to make this too personal. But mind you, this was not your "Average Joe" pencil. If a $200 pencil doesn't change my life, I'll be damned if a $2.50 one will.

Therefore, never use mechanical pencils. Think about those of us who are still searching for public pencil sharpeners. Maintainence has decreased substantially over the last 10 years. It is amazing that no organization has, so far, stepped up to the metaphorical plate here. (Appologies to members of the CWP, but no one knows who you are).

Let's get real. I mean, do you really want to spend the rest of your life writing with an itty-bitty eraser which will erase at most three characters during its entire lifetime? Or maybe you just enjoy shlepping around a giant eraser everywhere which lacks the ability to erase less than seven characters at a time. !@#$%^& that. Go ahead, put some stupid mechanical barrier between you and the paper you're writing on. Who said the physical process of writing was supposed to be simple?

Look, you are only going to be able to use 75% of the lead you put in there anyway, and substantially less than that if the lead breaks or your children decide to eat some of it. And now you've misplaced the !@#$%^ thing. Or wait, maybe someone just borrowed it. Well, guess what? It's not worth your time. You spent $2.50 on your pencil and nobody cares because the pencil wasn't worth $2.50 in the first place. It was worth negative $2.50.

Are you in the business of making pencils? Are you using "wood-like" materials that are too cheap to use even as a shim for a bookcase? You know who you are, and you also know that materials like rubber, imitation particle board, and black stuff from the inside of your air-conditioner do not belong on the inside of a pencil. Fine, make whatever you want. But don't call it a "pencil." I mean, do I have a sign on my blog saying "GARBAGE--ONLY 25 CENTS?" I don't think I do. Everyone can afford good-quality pencils that write smoothly and don't split down the middle when you breathe on them. There are good pencils available. Go find them.

Whoever invented the mechanical pencil can take this !@#$%^ blog and shove it up their ass.