Stop Teutsching Me

A blog about Raghav Kulkarni and other interesting subjects.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Et tu, swordfish?

Ever wonder why sushi is so expensive? Or why it comes in little 3 x 4 boxes? Or why there is always plastic grass inside the box instead of fresh parsley?

The answer to the second question can be discovered by either staring at the seaweed wrapper that your dinner came in, or my staring at this website about the wrapper. Notice that on this site, as on every other nori website across the entire world wide web (with possible exception of Wikipedia), there is no description of the sheet dimensions. But each sheet is magically the right size to make exactly eight out of the twelve slices of sushi in your order.

This probably isn't news to you if you work at the sushi bar, and, in fact, you probably enjoy rolling one and a half sheets of nori for each person who orders an M & M Roll. Especially since it takes you twice as long to complete a single sushi order as it would if the nori sheets were one and a half times longer.

Sound a little "fishy?" Could the largest supplier of fresh sushi to supermarkets nationwide have overlooked this simple detail? I'm not proposing an answer to my first question. Maybe someone just likes long lunch lines.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Senti who?

I don't believe I've ever written about someone named crippy before. But it sure is funny to make fun of disabled people.

Don't make me open up a can of whoop-ass.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Teutsch on Dating II


It seems a lot of girls are breaking up with their boyfriends these days. How do you know when it's time to call it quits? As a public service, I will now answer this question. If you meet 3 out of the following 7 criteria, it may be time to dust off that lasso and rope in a new steer:

  1. Your girlfriend "accidentally" had sex with a monkey.

  2. That monkey happened to be your "cousin."

  3. You discovered your ex-boyfriend stuck in the chimney, wedged by the fur of his gorilla costume.

  4. Your boyfriend came home with the complete lyrics to Raghav in the Straw tattooed on his forehead.

  5. Your chinchilla has a new haircut and suddenly takes to baking banana bread pudding in the morning.

  6. Your bathtub drain is consistently clogged with furballs weighing exactly 2 kilograms.

  7. You wake up in the morning dressed in a gorilla costume, with your weiner unexplainably stuck in a shoehorn. (That never happened to me, by the way)

And how do you know when to get back together? I'll let Flora take it from here.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

This one's for Mickey

It has come to my attention that a particular computer scientist decided to wear a Disneyworld T-shirt to his conference presentation in Orlando, Florida. Praised be g-d, he was stopped at the last minute.

Is there no dignity left in academia? Would we wear T-shirts to meet the president of the United States? Then why the hell do we wear them to research conferences? Let's kick it up a notch. Our results are going to count just a bit more if we're wearing collars.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Cogito ERGO sum

Can someone tell me why no one has invented an ergonomic keyboard for laptop computers? Oh wait, maybe somebody just did.

To be or not to be...

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Today we have a special guest post from California:

Berkeley, home of the trash

I've heard from a certain someone that living in Berkeley, California can be miserable. This person's complaints about the town apparently have something to do about trash. This ex-Berkeley-ite was apparently unhappy when some artists put some trash in front of City Hall and called it art.

Let me tell you that trash is exactly what makes Berkeley the best place to live. My life in Berkeley is based on trash. Most of my furniture in my apartment is from the trash including my couches, my desk, my dresser, my coffee table, my chair and my lamps. My best kitchen supplies are from the Berkeley trash too including my rice cooker, my toaster, my pots and various utensils. I should also mention that my favorite clothes and ALL of my dress clothes are from the trash as well. Need I tell you that I've gotten numerous compliments on these lovely garments?

As if that isn't already enough, I also buy the majority of my produce out of a bin that I call "trash." My favorite markets in town bag the "day old" or damaged produce and sells it for an incredible mark down. I love this trash produce because I can feed myself for weeks on just $20.

In order for me to get all of this wonderful trash, there has to be lots of trash around town. Thankfully for me, people living here aren't shy about dumping stuff on the corners of streets where others can rummage through their junk and pick out the gems. There is even an official trash day when people are allowed to throw out large items (furniture, appliances etc). They put their trash out a day before pick up so people like me can salvage it before it heads to the dump.

Finding something good in the trash can elevate your mood for a week. This informal trash recycling program helps make living in Berkeley affordable AND it's good for the environment. If it weren't for the dumpster divers, all this stuff would be rotting in a landfill. So next time you knock the trash in Berkeley, think about how happy it makes many of us that live off of trash. It's not an eyesore--it's a way of life. Homeless people LIVE off the food we throw away buy recycling our bottles and munching on leftovers.

Just remember that if you're going to take a little trash, you have to give a little too.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006


One of the greatest blogs on the face of the planet was vanquished today. I can't give the URL because there is no URL. A moment of silence, please.

Why did it disappear? Because too many people were reading it. You know who you are. Thanks for destroying my one source of quality entertainment.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

You couldn't wait one week?

As the story goes, Jesus ate his last Pesach seder three days before he was resurrected. This means that Jesus rose on Passover. Now what kind of good Jewish boy rises on Passover?

This entire travesty could have been avoided if Jesus had simply risen within a more reasonable time period, say within 18 minutes. According to a second opinion, however, it would have been more appropriate for Jesus to wait not only the requisite 18 minutes, but to wait altogether until the conclusion of the holiday. This would have placed at least a full week between Good Friday and Easter. We conclude that Jesus is not a piece of matzah.

Remember, you heard it here first.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Life is like a box of raghav

Ida Gasp writes:

I'm sorry. I really don't understand the obsession with this raghav person. I would love you to explain it to me.....

No need to appologize, Ida. And thanks for that lower case 'r'. Let's talk about obsession. For example why, Ida, are you so obsessed with vomit? It can be tough to get to the root of our feelings sometimes, but let's probe a little. After all, isn't that what blogging is all about, getting in touch with our true emotions?

In the case of raghav, let's start with the obvious:

  1. He's really hot.

  2. He sleeps in the office.

  3. He makes great chocolate chip cookies.

  4. He's !@#$%^& attractive.

In your opinion, who should I blog about instead? I mean, you tell me which one is better. Perhaps you'll gain some insights by reading Raghav's literary critiques. R&J

By the way, Ida, I think you should consider changing the name of your blog to "Incen-diary." Or perhaps, "Vomit World." Incendiaries is one of those rare English words which does not occur as a singular noun.

Saturday, April 15, 2006


Wednesday, April 12, 2006

a mulatto, an albino...

A computer scientist. Under construction.

It's rare to find a true masterpiece these days that isn't a work in progress. This website is no exception. This list of hyperlinks demonstrates how you really can't go wrong with a nice blue background and a link to a prototypical computer scientist like Lance Fortnow. Even when the other two links on your webpage point off into the flyspeck of the Internet. This site exemplifies the essential ideal of simplicity which I have repeatedly placed on a pedestal alongside Raghav Kulkarni.

Are you one of those people who thinks to herself, "Those links I put up on my homepage are just there for me?" Ever heard of a bookmark? For g-d's sake, stop clogging up the Internet with the inside of your sock drawer. Please tell me that I didn't just spend the last 40 minutes of my life googling the Internet to find a link back to

I know it's not neccessarily my place to be redesigning other people's web pages, but here are few other links I'd really like to see included on this page:


  2. Ambiguous reference to my dog.

  3. What I had for dinner last night.

Or perhaps just two links in case you, in fact, had your dog for dinner last night. Je t'aime.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

A hypothetical interview with Raghav Kulkarni

Teutsch: A teacher once told me that someone should hire her to design all of the chairs in the world.

Raghav: Backrests, friend or foe?

Teutsch: Children move so easily. In fact, it takes years to develop bad habits. Over time, people strengthen the wrong muscles. This lead to slouching and compression in the spine.

Raghav: Indeed, why not improve the physical and psychological health of our nation by producing chairs out of rubber balls?

Teutsch: But that has a backrest!

Raghav: I couldn't agree more.

Teutsch: Raghav, thank you for your time.

Raghav: My pleasure.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Take that, you systems sob

Hats off to Raghav Kulkarni, who calls a spade a spade.

A recent discussion on Lance Fortnow's computational complexity blog attempts to resolve the following question: which is better, systems or theory. Raghav sums that up as follows:

programming is a waste,
just use copy paste

Hope that answers your question, Andy. Raghav was only one of only seven people to sign their name to a comment on that post. And all but two of them were theory people. Anyone who doesn't sign their name on Lance's blog is a wuss. No one has to be embarassed about being a systems person. Right?

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Thanks, humanity!

I just wanted to thank all two people in the world who took the time to leave comments on Auburn's blog last week, including myself. Your contributions have been most valuable, as evidenced by the good news from Auburn which appeared on his blog the very next day.

Together we really can make a difference!

The Great Fall of China

Everyone remembers the physics class in 10th grade when your teacher told you that if, one day, 5 billion people stood on top of the Great Wall of China and all jumped off simultaneously, the resulting force would be sufficient to knock the Earth completely out of its orbit. Right into outer space. Well, I'm pleased to announce that that day is May 23, 2008.

The Chinese government is pleased to host this event. Unfortunately, this blog is blocked by the "Great Firewall of China," so I am relying on my readers to relay this message to our friends who are out of reach. This particular date was chosen so as not to conflict with any national holidays or celestial events.

If anyone could get me unblocked by China, that would be great. Thanks.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Used toilet brush for sale

Bristles slightly worn. Also doubles as a plunger. Only $3.00. For more information please contact RAGHAV at

Just kidding ;) On a more serious note, would you like to try a toilet lid with a built-in sink?

Looking for millionaire wife...

Who wants to join me for a ride across Laos this summer? By bicycle. Special invitation to those who speak Lao. Trip will be in July. Here are some pictures... and more. Here's some practical advice.

Thursday, April 06, 2006


OK, how many of you out there in Teutschland have ever been depressed before? Go ahead, raise your hand. Wacka wacka, I made you raise your hand. But seriously, folks, you know what it's like to be depressed.

Well guess what, today Auburn is depressed. When one person is depressed, the whole world is depressed. So it's the burden of each and every person in this world to take that one person, who we know is depressed, and pull her right up into heaven. Right up into the sky. Well, today that person is Auburn.

Now I'm not asking you to send me any money, folks (although $10.00 from each and every person in the world would have a significant financial impact on my life), but I am asking you to be in on a little surprise. Now I know that there isn't a single person out there who can be depressed if they get 5 billion comments on their weblog in a single day. 5 billion. That's just one comment per person. So what I'm asking you to do right now is follow this link over to Auburn's blog and post one comment. With 5 billion comments, and that means really we need a little bit of participation from everyone here, that's going to make the server explode, and that explosion is going to send Auburn right up into heaven. Amen.

Let's make a difference in the world. Tag on over to Auburn's website now and make a difference. Leave a comment. Do it for Jesus.

Happy Birthday, Raghav!

Happy birthday to you,
You live in a zoo

New Generation

What the world needs now is new music for the recorder. And maybe some love. And a few rainbows.

Last night, I met Quartet New Generation at their concert in Hyde Park. Totally inspiring. I've been playing recorder since I was seven years old, and I've never seen anyone play recorder music like that before. That includes the times I was watching myself in the mirror. (Although I really enjoyed that, too.)

Can someone please explain to me why all of the young recorder composers of our generation are living in the Netherlands? The recorder is as versatile and dynamic as any modern orchestral instrument, and it deserves a comparable reputation. If you still need convincing, check out the music samples on the link above. Anyone stuck in the 16th century after that must be living in a cave. Quite literally.

So for those of you out there in Teutschland who have some creative inclination, how about some new music for the recorder? The old ladies who joined me at recorder camp when I was sixteen aren't going to be around forever. If you need me, I'll be working on my commission.

All you have to do is find me, you lucky women

One of the easiest ways to meet new people is by posting your name, home phone number, and address on the wall in a public restroom. This tried-and-true method has been used since before the invention of the Internet. Results guaranteed, or your money back.

That's exactly how I first met Raghav Kulkarni, back in the summer of '94. It all started one balmy afternoon behind the Avenue B Baseball Park in Bogalusa, Louisiana. When I read those six words, "FOR A GOOD TIME CALL 1-800-RAGHAV," I knew I was going to have a good time. And thank g-d it was a toll-free number because otherwise I never would have called.

The next thing I knew, Raghav climbed up a tree, and he wouldn't come back down.


Wednesday, April 05, 2006

From cab driver to celebrity

New York Hack, a taxicab driver in New York City, has just announced a new book deal with Random House based on a blog she started last August. The blog contains pictures of people who cut her off in traffic and complaints about traffic being blocked in New York City. When the AP caught hold of her story in January, she became an overnight celebrity.

Around the same time, the AP turned my friend's masters thesis into an international media sensation. I can't help but notice a parallel. I guess just live your life as usual. The AP will find you eventually.

If this isn't inspiration to write a blog, I'm not sure what is.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

How flavorful!

Can't decide what to drink? You'll be even less sure after a brief visit to yenra. How about a caffeinated watermelon beer?

Programmable beverages by Ipifini let the consumer choose between 32 different flavors and 1,000,000 different colors before they even open the bottle. How much will that cost?

Monday, April 03, 2006

Blogmaster 2000

It slices, it dices, it's the Blogmaster 2000.

Tired of unwanted blogs? Say goodbye to unwanted blogs with the new Blogmaster 2000. Use it on yourself. Use it on your friends. Use it on the Internet.

It slogs, it blogs. Why put yourself through the drudgery of writing your own blog entry every day when the Blogmaster 2000 can automatically compose the perfect post for your blog in seconds? The Blogmaster 2000 is completely up-to-date on current events and extrapolates from all your previous blog entries. No batteries required!

Please direct purchases and inquiries to the RAGHAV blog located at

This message sponsored by "RAGHAV for President."

Raghav Kulkarni: Myth or Legend

Last Friday someone on spaces.msn asked whether my blog is funny just because it contains Raghav.
to prevent this post from becoming stupid, let's get to the point. Actaully it doesn't matter at all whether one knows Raghav or not...

  1. My blog is not intended for humor.

  2. Raghav is a legend.

  3. Anyone who believes that Raghav ≠ co-Raghav is a girl and probably equals their own compliment.

  4. Whoever invented the stapler button can take this blog and shove it up their ass.

Mimikaki for the whole family

For those of you who are just beginning Japanese ear picking, try starting here. Gaze into your own ear canal. This one comes with a handy, built-in compass:

Sunday, April 02, 2006

The miracle of indoor plumbing

When I was young, I tried to flush myself down the toilet. Praise g-d for indoor plumbing. Let's just take a moment now to think about how great plumbing is. How many millions of American lives are glorified by this invention every day? The answer is millions. Millions of Americans experience this modern convenience every single day.

Oh my, g-d, it's great to be alive

My goat ate it

A yellow bicycle!! If this isn't green, I'm not sure what is. Yum, yum, yum, yum....

Oh, no... you ate the fence, too?

Saturday, April 01, 2006

The Spaceship Problem

Help!! The UFO has landed again!! Call Spaceship Hotline 91-146-32! Just kidding, happy April Fool's.

Not long ago, I reported on the PIG vs. NPIG problem, the most outstanding problem in all of livestock. A remarkable solution to this problem has been proposed. In fact, I would go so far as to say that it's out of this world. In short,

The PIG puts the NPIG on a spaceship and then hits the green LAUNCH button. Due to physical effects of relativity, The PIG then easily consumes all of the grain in polynomial time by time-dilating the NPIG. The PIG then hits the red STOP button and brings the NPIG to a grinding halt. It is, of course, crucial that the NPIG accelerates at a rate proportional to the appetite of the PIG, up to the critical speed of 88 mph.

Consequently, the PIG-Turing thesis is false.

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