Stop Teutsching Me

A blog about Raghav Kulkarni and other interesting subjects.

Friday, March 31, 2006

Tonya and Nancy

My ex-girlfriend just finished writing her opera about a pair of famous American figure skaters. I read the score, and my favorite part is when Tonya's mom sings

"You fucked up your triple lutz!"

Well, I guess everyone makes mistakes. The premiere will be in Boston on May 2. But don't just accept my endorsement... read what opera critique ESPN has to say.

Click here for a score sample. You'll need to download the free Finale Notepad to view and listen.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

The n-dimensional penis

Due to decreased readership during the last three days, I've decided to introduce some sexually explicit content into this blog.

Ever wonder why a penis doesn't have any teeth?

It's natural to have sexual fantasy. But why should we restrict our imaginations to only 3-dimensions? The answer is that a 3-dimensional penis is completely useless in n dimensions, for n ≥ 4. This is exactly where the n-dimensional penis comes in. No pun intended. Seriously, a little bit of linear algebra can go a long way.

Speaking of teeth, Hold the Milk has a suggestive, philosophical explanation:

It has been suggested that the vagina teeth post is supposed to be some kind of commentary on what is going on in South Dakota. If so, can someone please explain that link.

I couldn't agree more.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006


Do you have eyes?
Are you watching?
What color is your hair?

I'm just visiting.
Where is the cantaloupe?

Did you think
was it a dream
did you taste me?

spin morning
teeth brb


r u in love?

link me :)

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Just when you thought it was safe...

Dear Lord,

Thank you for blessing us with the presence of people with less common sense than I can possibly imagine. You've really outdone yourself this time. While I don't regret creating my earlier post, it now requires a bit more. Did I mention you've outdone yourself? Does anyone out there in Teutschland know how to work this thing?

Why stop at five when you can have six?

Monday, March 27, 2006

Once upon a Raghav

--to the tune of Raghav in the Straw

Raghav, Raghav
Reining in the tree
Come on down
And have banana with me.

With the fir so shiny
And your teeth so bright,
Come on down
And share a delight.

Raghav, Raghav,
I hear your singing now
Come on, peachy mon
And shoo away that cow.

Hey, one, two, three
Before it's brown
Come on down
Come on down

¡Hey, Raghav go 'round!

Sunday, March 26, 2006

I can't find my hamster

Having trouble grisping that carton of orange juice?

Perhaps there are a few other things around the house that you'd like to get a "handle" on. Just think about it. I used to have a bunch of hampsters. The damn hampster always ran under the couch. And it was damn hard to get him out. He just sits there and pees, you know? If I got one of them handles on the hampster, there's no way he would have even fit under the damn couch. !@#$%^&* that @#$% couch. I mean, what the hell do I need a couch for anyway? It's just a !@#$%^&* damn haven for that hampster.

I should have just used that s!@#$%^& f!@#$%^ handle on the couch. Yeah. I should have my own public access television station.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Help! My friend is burping up meat!

OK, so your friend has started burping up various kinds of meat. Don't worry, this is completely normal. I recommend adding some salad dressing. If it's a chicken, then use ranch. If it's a boca burger, use guacamole. If it's a buffalo, then use some sweet n' sour sauce. Add water, extract hair, and stir. Simmer for three minutes on medium heat, until the buffalo has stopped growling. Then add the chicken.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Chicken-flavored bubble gum

We have a mutitude of sweet bubble gums flavors. But what about when you're hankering for something savory? Until someone has the ingenuity to meet the demands of the market, I recommend soaking your chewing gum in a pot of bullion.

Thursday, March 23, 2006


Let's invite a black cloud of filth into our house. No one knows where it came from, but it claims to have a written invitation. Every day, we'll choose whether to open a book or to open the Filth-o-Matic. This is an exclusive or because every book is a vertible magnet for filth.

Why settle for a device which you can easily operate with one hand when you can have an equivalent device which necessitates the use of both hands? Now, I realize that some people really enjoy dropping things on the floor just so they can pick them up again. So I'll speak on behalf of the minority rest of us who would like to reduce the number of objects in our lives. Less is more. Attach yourself directly to your graft.

"I don't like the dust." Well wear gloves. Be creative. Find something to put it in.

Not only are marker boards disgusting, they smell bad, and they are hard to erase. These factors are frequently overlooked by people who don't use them. But if you're not going to write anything anyway, why bother?

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

All numbers are interesting

Supppose that there is some (positive) integer which is not interesting. In particular, let U be the set of all numbers which are not interesting. Then U must have a least element element n. Now n is the smallest number which is not interesting. But that makes n interesting indeed!

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Look what the blog dragged in

A slimy guy has been following you around for the past week. He has three teeth, and he drools. Every time you go to the computer to write a post for your weblog, he tries to sit down next to you. What should you do?

  • DON'T panic. Just stop, drop, and DROOL. Just because the guy is drooling doesn't necessarily mean that he wants you to drool too. Do this really subtly at first. Start by accidentally dribbling hot dog juice out of your mouth. Then wipe it up and do it again. Make sure that you spill some on yourself as well as the person sitting next to you. Later, if that doesn't work, start burping up chunks of meat. Make sure that you burp up at least three different types of meat, including chicken, turkey, and blood sausage. If your friend asks what type of meat it is, just say, "asada."

  • Open up a new weblog when he isn't looking, and write the following headline:


    Beautiful, drooling girl spotted in Kansas City, heading east at 10 miles per hour. HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS. Avoid at all costs. Has been known to cause flooding. DO NOT FEED!

  • Follow all instructions carefully to achieve best results.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Tic-tac-toe, four in a row

Home on the range. Well, not exactly. More like a diamond and and a bunch of seashells.

Kids, don't try this at home. There are four burners arranged in a square, and four dials arranged in a line. Now suppose you want to turn on the left-rear burner of the stove. You can only turn one dial. Which knob should you turn? Choose carefully or you might get burned.

Nope, that was the oven. How could you have made a dumb mistake like that? Because they all freaking look the same. The next time you see a new oven sporting the 4 × 1, or, g-d forbid, the 5 × 1 layout, do us all a favor and don't buy it. No one cares if your stupid product has n30 automatic timer settings, because it boils the wrong pot of water. What could be more obvious than a 2 × 2 control for a 2 × 2 stovetop range?

Together we can stamp out stupidity.

Don't stop in the kitchen. Stop reading this weblog look at the ceiling. Are all of your lights lined up in a straight line down the center of the room? Then why are your light switches?

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Why gay guys like to sing

Recently I have pondered what it really takes to succeed in the world of experimental music. The answer is, it's not enough to just listen to the work of your colleagues. You can't just admire the dots on the page. You have to get inside the music.

Singing works the same way. Gay people naturally form close bonds with each other, which helps them sing better. That's why there's no "Straight Men's Chorus of Los Angeles." Try a Google search for "Straight Men's Chorus." Compare this with "Gay Men's Chorus." Our country is decidedly lacking. GAY GAY GAY GAY!


One of my readers is making a serious effort to change the world. And it looks like his machine may be smelling rotten food for less than a dollar per rotting piece. For those of you who are already in the market for a smell-o-phone, check out the Economist article from this week, What the nose knows.

Thanks to Nee-Nee for pointing me to this article.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Teutsch on dating

Several of you have asked whether I give dating tips on my weblog. The answer to that question is a resounding yes. And who better to give my opinions than me. The topic for today is how to pick up really hot women by writing a weblog.

Frankly, it pains me to mention how many dates I've had to turn down since I started writing this weblog. If you're In The Mood For Love, the first thing you need to do is to learn a few key phrases. At the very least, you should have the following tips on your tongue:

  1. "Hey, damn good blog, check out mine, " You can substitute your own URL, unless the girl is especially attractive in which case I recommend leaving it just as it is.

  2. Make sure the girl actually has a blog before using the "damn good blog" line. One way to find this out is by following her around for several days until she goes to the computer lab. When she logs into her blog, apply tip #1.

  3. Important: DO NOT forget the URL of your own blog! There is nothing more emabarassing than being completely lost in cyberspace.

  4. Leave ambiguous comments for yourself like, "Blog me and I'll blog you back."

  5. Write in free verse, and always use a spell checker.

  6. Use words innocuous words that rhyme with "love," like "glove."

Got a question? Hit us up at Or just leave a comment. I'll be in the computer lab.

Friday, March 17, 2006


Who says no news good news? For all the latest, check out

It took all of 10 days to convince Raghav to start his own (pink) blog.

Houston, mission accomplished.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Invention of the Week: Use your teeth

OK, I have a great idea. Let's take something that works flawlessly well and make it more complicated. Then when someone asks, "Where is the pencil sharperner?" we can patently answer, "Sorry, ape-man, why don't you use your teeth?"

I got a mechanical pencil as a bar mitzvah present when I was thirteen. The pencil was made by a prestigious American manufacturer. The first time I used the pencil, it rolled on the floor and broke. "But B''H," I thought out loud, "it comes with a lifetime warranty." Indeed, the mechanical device inside the pencil had failed. I dropped the pencil in the mailbox. One day, the device reappeared at my door and, lo and behold, it wrote like just as it had on "day one." But then it broke again. I mean, you'd think I live on a marble floor.

After the nth time of mailing the pencil back to the manufacturer, it dawned on me that with the amount I had spent on postage, I could instead have bought n1/3 boxes of wood pencils and actually made productive use of k years of my life. I guess that marked a turning point for me. I'll try not to make this too personal. But mind you, this was not your "Average Joe" pencil. If a $200 pencil doesn't change my life, I'll be damned if a $2.50 one will.

Therefore, never use mechanical pencils. Think about those of us who are still searching for public pencil sharpeners. Maintainence has decreased substantially over the last 10 years. It is amazing that no organization has, so far, stepped up to the metaphorical plate here. (Appologies to members of the CWP, but no one knows who you are).

Let's get real. I mean, do you really want to spend the rest of your life writing with an itty-bitty eraser which will erase at most three characters during its entire lifetime? Or maybe you just enjoy shlepping around a giant eraser everywhere which lacks the ability to erase less than seven characters at a time. !@#$%^& that. Go ahead, put some stupid mechanical barrier between you and the paper you're writing on. Who said the physical process of writing was supposed to be simple?

Look, you are only going to be able to use 75% of the lead you put in there anyway, and substantially less than that if the lead breaks or your children decide to eat some of it. And now you've misplaced the !@#$%^ thing. Or wait, maybe someone just borrowed it. Well, guess what? It's not worth your time. You spent $2.50 on your pencil and nobody cares because the pencil wasn't worth $2.50 in the first place. It was worth negative $2.50.

Are you in the business of making pencils? Are you using "wood-like" materials that are too cheap to use even as a shim for a bookcase? You know who you are, and you also know that materials like rubber, imitation particle board, and black stuff from the inside of your air-conditioner do not belong on the inside of a pencil. Fine, make whatever you want. But don't call it a "pencil." I mean, do I have a sign on my blog saying "GARBAGE--ONLY 25 CENTS?" I don't think I do. Everyone can afford good-quality pencils that write smoothly and don't split down the middle when you breathe on them. There are good pencils available. Go find them.

Whoever invented the mechanical pencil can take this !@#$%^ blog and shove it up their ass.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Breaking News: Raghav sleeps in office

In my post World's *Greatest* Invention Raghav commented that a shower bag, rather than a smell-o-phone, is the greatest invention known to mankind. Well guess what buddy, today's your lucky day! That's right, it's here! Your sleeping bag is going in the toilet! You are now the proud owner of the world's first shower bag. Hop in, Raghav, and let the automatic flush sensor do the rest! Boy you're going to save a lot of time this week!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Nem tehetek róla

Someone should hire me to design all of the doors in the world. How many times have you looked like an ass by walking into a door in front of all your friends? How about in front of the entire universe? Well, the good news is, it's not your fault. It's time to blame the bozo who invented the door. Here are some basic guidelines, for those of you who have, or are planning to build, a door:

  1. PUSH bars go HALFWAY across. How the hell am *I* supposed to know which side the hinges are on.

  2. Don't write "PULL" on PULL doors. Opening a door doesn't require an elementary school education.

  3. Doors open INWARDS to the room unless it's a CLOSET. Yes, it *can* be embarrassing to get the thing open.

  4. Don't put PULL bars on PUSH doors.

It's that simple.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Wake up, baby Raghav, and start a blog

Thinking about writing your own blog? Already have one? Here's a few pointers.

  • Create as many redundant entries as possible.

  • Try not to be annoying.

  • Frequently refer to the first post you ever wrote in some other weblog.

  • Create as many redundant entries as possible.

  • Edit each post after 3 hours and 6 hours so that the comments don't match anymore.

  • Try not to be annoying.

  • Choose topics for which you are completely ignorant. Then write about them.

  • Refer to yourself in third person. Start each sentence with "Igor believe..."

  • Always make your entries as long as possible. People are more likely to read things you write if you write them more than one time. So always make your entries as long as possible.

  • Avoid profanity.

  • Use transition phrases like, "Oops, I just spilled peanut butter on the keys," or, "Now where did I put the meat grinder?" rather than abruptly changing subjects.

  • End each entry with, "Good night, and G-d bless America."

  • Igor believe marshmallow eat brain.

Long live the emperor.

How many licks does it take?

Raghav was born a girl. His sister is also a girl. Raghav would most like to see stories in the weblog on the following topics:

  • How to crash a party "downtown."

  • What if the window to Laci's office breaks?

Put yourself in Raghav's shoes. Never mind the smell. I mean, wouldn't you rather write these stories yourself?

Sunday, March 12, 2006

The PIG vs. NPIG problem

One of the most important open question in livestock today is the notorious PIG vs. NPIG problem. The problem is to resolve the equality PIG = NPIG. How to resolve this equality?

As in my previous Raghav = co-Raghav post, it is clearly appropriate to ask the question, "How fat is she?" Since that last post, I have received a flurry of emails requesting that I comment on possible answers to this question. I regret that I do not have time to respond personally to each of these messages. However, if there is verified significant progress towards an answer, you will hear about it first on this weblog. Moron that later.

For now we shall restrict ourselves to the case where the pig is polynomial-time computable. This means that we don't have to wait too long for the pig to "finish." No, the pig is not Finish. Therefore, the npig is not Finish. In particular, the npig is not Polynomial-Time Computable. It follows immediately that PIG ≠ NPIG.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Where do dust bunnies come from?

This query is equivalent to the question, "How do fish live in a lake?" It is a common phenomenon that any time you have a lake, there will also be fish in the lake. Dig one out, put some water in, and see for yourself. How did the fish get there? One explanation says that the fish came to the smalller lake from a larger lake. But no one has ever witnessed a fish walking from a large lake to a smaller one. Why would a fish do that? That would be like a person moving from a large continent, like Australia, to a small island like Nauru. In fact, the same is also true for frogs. Once I dug a hole in the ground and a frog moved in. I don't know why. I didn't put any food in there. I also put up an owl house, and the next day, an owl moved in. There is no possible explanation.

Even though you are not furry, and although you rarely stick large pieces of filth under your bed, you are bound to discover that some giant furballs have already moved in. This verifies and completes our quintessential metaphor: frog is to hole as dirty hairball is to bed. When I was in college, I collected lint balls from all of the electric clothes dryers on campus and merged them into one giant lintball. I put the lintball under my bed. Over time, the lintball became quite large. Then one day my roommate threw it in the garbage. I don't know why. If you lived with me in college, feel free to leave a comment.

The purpose of this allegory is to illustrate that a dust bunny is not something which one can pursue. A dust bunny will find you on its own. Seek, and ye shall not find.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Does Raghav = co-Raghav?

Classically, our ancestors observed that RE ≠ co-RE, and more recently, Immerman-Szelepcsényi showed that NL = co-NL. Based on this evidence, one might conclude that Raghav = co-Raghav question is a toss-up. We now show that this is not the case. We appeal to certain folklore results from the literature.

Suppose Raghav = co-Raghav were a toss-up. Consider the following nondeterministic algorithm:

let Raghav = Raghav + 1
nondeterministically guess Raghav
if found
let p = p - 2
output "How fat is she?"

Clearly, the language accepted by this program is irrelevant to the question. There is no doubt about it. Stay tuned.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Marv G. So's Volcano

"Plug the hole, Billy! Plug the hole!"
"I think she's gonna blow!"
"I can't hold it any longer, Billy! The hole is too big."
"Oh, Lord, Ed... it's sucking me in!"
"Grab on to my arm!"
"Hang on, Eddie, I'm coming in after you!"

"Mama, why do people live in volcanoes?"
" I don't know, son. I guess they might be cold and so they go inside the volcano to get warm."
"Is it warm inside volcanoes, Mama?"
"Volcanoes are hollow on the inside; hence they provide an excellent source of shelter, especially if it's raining. There are many advantages to living inside a volcano."
"Like what, Mama?"
(a knock on the door)
"Hi I'm Herbert."
"Hi I'm Fingle."
"Herbert, stop Fingling me!"
"Hand me your apricot."
"I can't, Herbert. It's stuck in my shoe."
"We've gotta get it out!"
"No, not the suction pump!"
"Help! it's sucking me in!"
"My lips are stuck!"
"Boy isn't this a sticky situation."
"Yep, you've really gummed things up this time, Herby."
"There's got to be an off switch here somewhere."
"Turn it off!"
"Turn it off!"

"Who are you?"
"Hi I'm Mark G. So."
"No I'm Mark G. So."
"No I'm Mark G. So."
"How can you be Mark G. So if I'm Mark G. So?"
"This volcano belongs to Mark G. So, and since there can only be one Mark G. So, the volcano belongs to me."

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

World's *Greatest* Invention

Sometimes Raghav sleeps in the office for a few days. In this case, he won't take a bath, or if he did, he took a bath in the toilet. Either way, he will smell the same. The point is, when I talk to him on the phone, I have no idea whether this happened or not.

I know I'm not the only one who has been frustrated because I couldn't smell the person I was talking to on the phone. Clearly, a lot of information is communicated through smell, so it's decidedly inefficient for society to be using telecomunications without a sense of smell.

Instead of a telephone, consider a smell-o-phone. Ever wonder what that telemarketer from Arkansas *really* smells like? Or maybe you were wondering if your friend's hair caught on fire. Find out without asking. Your dog will thank you. Dogs have a good sense of smell.

Jesus is Lord of Bogalusa

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

World's Stupidest Invention

Who the hell invented this button on the bottom of the
stapler. You push it, and then the metal square spins around
so that your staples fold outwards instead of inwards. I
never used that feature in my life. I know the guy was
probably thinking, "You know, if we add another piece of metal
on this thing, I think we can increase the sale price by 25
cents." When is someone ever going to invent a "normal"
stapler for "normal" people? I mean like forgive me for
being a stapler-layperson.

Whoever invented the stapler button can take this blog and
shove it up their ass.

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